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Synopsis

Chaos tries to celebrate a vaguely happy holiday of some sort, but strenuating circumstances override override what he considers a regular celebration.

Transcript

{Cut to a shot of Townindale, covered in snow. Various things are happening in the streets, sordid kids running around in the snows, people carrying presents, and the like. Cut to a dark and dreary manor house no a hill overlooking the town, where D'Arque steps out and with the help of Droll, puts on several layers, probably for security moreso than warmth. Cut to the Wikihood manor, in which everyone is sitting down watching TV. They all have different sweaters.}

CHAOS: Alright gang, it's 9:00 on Wednesday night, it's time for weekly announcements.

NOXIGAR: Aw, man.

CHAOS: Calm down, it's not like you have a bedtime. Now, in lieu of the fact that we haven't celebrated a single winter holiday in the house in the last decade, including Kwanza, Hannukah, Yule, and so on and so forth, that perhaps we could celebrate a straightforward holiday that doesn't rely on us, you know, leaving the house.

LEX: Sounds intriguing...what holiday did you have planned? I'm pretty sure we've gone through them all.

REMOLAY: Wait, you guys haven't celebrated Christmas in 10 years?

CHAOS: And we're not about to start, either, for this year's holiday of choice is Festivus!

NOXIGAR: ...You mean that fake holiday inspired by that guy who writes for Seinfeld?

CHAOS: The very same. The only holiday that doesn't focus on either the spiritualism of the holiday, or the capitalism, either.

OIURACUL: So, how do we celebrate it?

CHAOS: Glad you asked. You see, all we simply do is dress nice for a lovely dinner of anything we want, we put up a blank steel pole and put nothing but homemade presents, have a Peppridge Farm cake with M&Ms in it¹...then we'll take to the living room to air grievances and perform the Feats of Strength, in which you'll all try to tackle me down. It'll be a meaningful and symbolic night without Christian Overtones and forced Commercial spending.

LEX: Sounds umm... interesting, I guess?

NOXIGAR: Indeed. When would this be?

CHAOS: December 23, Christmas Eve Eve. Mark your calendars!

{Vindicator begins growling. The door opens and a chewed-up antler hood is shot out of the basement.}

CHAOS: Oh dear, Vindi chew through his outfit. I'll just have to...{pulls reindeer pajamas and another antler hood out of nowhere} give him a new one!

{Chaos walks downstairs.}

OIRACUL: What on earth is that?

NOXIGAR: Oh, that's Vindicator. He was with us when we bought the house.

OIRACUL: I see. ...Why do you have him locked up in the basement?

NOXIGAR: Well, you see, originally he-..

{Lex jumps forward and covers Noxigar's mouth before he can say anything.}

LEX: Shh! We made an agreement never to speak of that to anyone. EVER. ..OR ELSE.

NOXIGAR: Oh right, I forgot. My apologies.

OIRACUL: Aheh.. So it's probably for the best that I don't know, right?

LEX: ABSOLUTELY, DAMN IT.

NOXIGAR: It appears I must watch Seinfeld to truly understand the appeal of Festivus, for I know not of said appeal.

{Noxigar heads upstairs.}

OIRACUL: He doesn't watch Seinfeld?

{Chaos re-emerges onto the scene, with a new sweater on}

CHAOS: A fink, he is.

LEX: Now, now, Chaos. Don't be-

CHAOS: THE FINKY. THE FINKY AND THE-

{Lex slaps Chaos.}

LEX: Just because he'd prefer to watch The O.C. over Seinfeld does not make him a fink.

CHAOS: Fie! The dastardly scientist has made off with my sanity, and my-

{Lex slaps Chaos again.}

LEX: I'm supposed to be the more unstable of the two, remember?

CHAOS: But, it's the O.C. he likes over Seinfeld!

{Chaos shakes his head.}

LEX: So someone he liked in high school wouldn't shut up about it, and he decided to watch it and actually liked the thing. That doesn't make him a fink, does it?

OIRACUL: I say it doesn't. Maybe there's another chap who might like The O.C., too².

CHAOS: NOT IN THIS HOUSE THERE AIN'T! NOXIGAR WILL BE THE ONLY FINK OF THE SORT.

OIRACUL: I say Noxigar was trying to be on the same level as the person he liked. No shame in it. Tell me, what is a fink, again?

LEX: It's hard to explain. It's kind of a 1950's thing, you had to be living in that time to actually understand it.

OIRACUL: Wait a minute, hold up. Did you just say you were alive during the '50s?

LEX: Yeah, of course. I've been on this planet since 1934, you know.

REMOLAY: I'm sorry, but I don't believe that. You look far too young to be 77 years old!

LEX: You're assuming I'm even human. Pfft, hell nah. The truth is-..

CHAOS: ALIENS.

LEX: Um, thanks for that, Chaos. Yeah.

OIRACUL: That's... interesting.

REMOLAY: You mean I've been living under the same roof as an alien? What the hell?!

LEX: Ugh.. Try not to think too hard about it.

{Cut to Noxigar, upstairs. He desperately tries to watch Seinfeld, but gets bored by it too easily.}

NOXIGAR: Hmph. No wonder this show is found to be in disdain by a good majority of the Townindale community. It's trying to be like Friends, but it fails so utterly due to the humour not connecting with the audience athand.

{Noxigar shuts off the TV.}

NOXIGAR: {thinking} Hmm, how in the sod do I help Chaos with Festivus if I am so uninterested by the source that it's tantamount to talking to bronies in a back alley?

{Noxigar fondles his brow as he pauses, deep in thought.}

NOXIGAR: Does he seriously expect us to celebrate this? For real? It's preposterous! The blank steel pole, I'm actually alright with. But the homemade presents? I'm way too busy to be doing something like that! And the feat of strength? Pfft!

{Noxigar stands up defiantly.}

NOXIGAR: Gods damn it! I'm sure he won't take it too hard if I went to the supermarket for presents instead, right?

{Cut to Chaos and Lex, sitting in the living room. Chaos has yet another new sweater on.}

CHAOS: Come on, Lex, help me open these Christmas cards.

{Lex picks up a black-bordered envelope³ with a stamp bearing the flag of Listless, America on it.}

LEX: Oh, look! One from D'Arque and Droll!

CHAOS: Really? Open it up!

LEX: Wait, are you sure? I mean, these are the men who tried to kill us.

CHAOS: So?

LEX: Don't you think it's kinda suspicious that they-...

CHAOS: OPEN THE DAMN CARD.

LEX: Fine, fine.

{Lex opens the envelope.}

LEX: Hey look, a picture of D'Arque and his Showgirls!

{a folded piece of paper falls out.}

LEX: And our water bill!

CHAOS: {sarcastically} How thoughtful. Well at least he isn't hostile towards us during the Holidays, that's good to know.

LEX: Oh, you need to open my card!

CHAOS: Oh?

{Lex hands a blue envelope to Chaos, who proceeds to open it. He looks inside and glances at Lex with a confused expression.}

CHAOS: Umm... There's nothing in it.

LEX: Check again!

{Chaos puts his hand into the envelope and pulls out a small device. The device lights up and projects a holographic greeting card.}

CHAOS: Oh, umm.. Thank you, Lex. I forgot about your alien technology.

LEX: You sound like you don't like it...

CHAOS: No, I do, it's just that I didn't finish my card in time to give you.

LEX: Oh, that doesn't bother me. Let me see it!

CHAOS: Oh, okay then. {Chaos retrieves a whistle and blows it} Oh, greeting card?

{A tiny monster vaguely resembling an envelope with one arm, two eyes randomly stuck on it, and some sort of trunk-like snout coming out the back drags itself into the room and vomits on the carpet.}

LEX: On the other hand, the best gifts are the most developed ones.

{Lex begins to get up and tries to slowly scoot off, but the card continues to shamble towards him. He then turns around and runs.}

CHAOS: Oh, poo, Greeting Card, it's okay, you just need a little more work. Daddy still loves you.

{The card vomits on Chaos. There is a brief pause. Cut to Chaos, yet again in another sweater, brings a plate of meat that looks vaguely like the greeting card down to the basement. Noxigar, Remolay, and Lex are at the kitchen table, enjoying various drinks and playing cards.}

NOXIGAR: So, how are you guys getting on with your present making?

LEX: Eh? Oh, umm.. I haven't exactly started yet...

REMOLAY: I've made sufficient progress, why?

NOXIGAR: Don't you think it's kinda silly how we have to create presents when we could just get them from the store?

REMOLAY: Well, it requires more effort, and in my opinion, it's a good thing as eff-...

NOXIGAR: Nonsense! It wastes time! So much, that I've decided to rebel against the establishment and buy mine anyway!

LEX: And by establishment, you mean Chaos.

NOXIGAR: Eeeeexactly. In fact, I'm going right now, just to save time!

{Chaos comes back upstairs, somehow wearing a new sweater.}

CHAOS: Wait, where are you going?

NOXIGAR: Outside.. I need to do something. I won't be long.

CHAOS: But baby, it's cold outside!

NOXIGAR: No, seriously. No musical numbers, I'm outta here.

{Noxigar puts his coat on and goes offscreen.}

CHAOS: He never wants to participate in our musical numbers!

LEX: We've never had a musical number though⁴.

CHAOS: Exactly!

{Cut to Noxigar at the store, with a list.}

NOXIGAR: Hm, might as well buy their food. Then they can have ALL the hot chocolate!

{Noxigar gets a shopping cart and checks his wallet.}

NOXIGAR: Budgeting myself will be a piece of cake. Speaking of...

{Noxigar gets cake mix and puts it in the cart. He goes along the aisle, looking out for items that he may like, until something catches his eye. He rushes towards the area, revealing the items of importance, which happen to be huge tubs of assorted flavour Ice-Cream.}

NOXIGAR: Sweet angels above, did I just hit the motherload? Ho boy, I think I did.

{Noxigar looks at his cart, which is almost full, and then back at the tubs of Ice-Cream. Without hesitation, he slings the contents of the shopping cart onto the floor and replaces them with the tubs of Ice-Cream. He flees the scene in a hurry, leaving a huge pile on the floor unattended. Cut back to Lex and Remolay in the dining room, still playing cards. Chaos has now joined the game, taking over from Noxigar. Chaos has of course changed sweaters.}

REMOLAY: Three aces.

CHAOS: Four aces.

REMOLAY: What the hell kind of game are we playing?

LEX: I thought we were playing poker.

CHAOS: Wait, what? Poker? All this time I thought we were playing go fish!

REMOLAY: Do any of you even know how to play cards in the first place?

CHAOS: Umm...

LEX: I do! ..Kinda. Not really.

{Remolay facepalms. Cut to outside, where a familiar hooded figure stands.}

XENOPHUNK: Why the hell is my own house locked?

1. This is a real part of celebrating Festivus.
2. SPOILER ALERT: No. There isn't.
3. For those unfamiliar with the customs of death, black-bordered envelopes are usually meant as signs of letters regarding death and funerals.
4. This was written while the rights to Wikihood: The Musical were pending. And still are. And always will be.